A Simple Facade
The moment he leaves

it’s just like

a sigh.

another sigh.

it’s not a big deal, really, quite routine. and you’re the one who keeps saying it’s ok, it’s ok, but is it really? are you really okay? you’re not. you wish he could see through it and for once see through what you’re really feeling.

you’re asking too much. he shouldn’t have to do that.

he’s busy. he’s got other things to do. if he was back in high school or even just in school, maybe he’d pay more attention. or, maybe give you no attention at all because you know how he is.

why don’t you tell him?

it’s not reasonable. he’s dating you because you fit in with his life. you’re not needy (you’re really not, god just look at you) and you’re perfect for the role.

even if i’m not really the one.

he’ll eventually find someone who fits your role AND his personality better. these things happen to you. he wants you to open up, how can you when you just have these fears? don’t have these fears, yeah okay, because getting my heart broken a second time is a hobby of mine. you keep rehearsing your breakup facade-you would take it extremely calmly (maybe smiling a little) and shrug and say ‘yeah that’s okay, I kinda figured it’s gonna happen sooner or later’. how sad is that? stop making yourself sad. stop being so goddamn insecure and grow up. you shouldn’t fit his life, he should be working hard to keep you because you deserve the best for who you are-someone who appreciates you, understand the kind of girl you are. it’s hard to pick yourself up on your own. you can do it. but it wouldn’t hurt to get some sort of help, would it?

it’s so lonely.

and it hurts, doesn’t it? even after he’s apologized. it’s hard not to think about it. it’s hard to take back things you’ve said. you’ve made some of those mistakes. don’t do it again.

it’s second year all over again with a much greater pain.

absolutely terrible.

i don’t care. i’m going to rant.

i’m in a relationship. he’s sweet, loving, and innocent. first seriously relationship is with me. and i care about him a lot. and yeah. the sex is absolutely amazing.

and then there’s him. the bane of my existence, the guy of my dreams, the one whom i’ve waited for for over a year, persisting through the bad times and rough patches and weeks without communication. december 2012. i was holding on to a thin rope, and it was going to break, dragging me into its abyss. but the man i’m with now helped me back up when all seemed hopeless. he broke that string and replaced it with himself.

i was so naive and i gave up hope for the guy of my dreams. it just wasn’t gonna happen, especially after he said that he had lost some of his passion for me and told me to go explore. so guess what. i did.

a few weeks ago he told me he’s back. and he’s back for good. ready to take me into his arms forever.

REALLY. ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING ME. AFTER ALL THIS TIME I HAD BEEN IN LOVE WITH HIM WITHOUT EVER ADVANCING ANYWHERE. HE FINALLY DECIDES TO BE SERIOUS AFTER I HAVE FOUND SOMEONE ELSE. ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING ME. AND HE IS SERIOUS. SERIOUS THIS TIME. HE WASN’T SERIOUS BEFORE BUT NOW HE IS. AFTER 4 MONTHS.

i couldn’t hold on for 4 more months. i’m such an idiot. SUCH an idiot.

i don’t know what to do.

Old flames never die

I sit beside him
Calm
No fluttering of the heart
No more
No urges to fling myself onto him
No urges to hold him, hug him, kiss him
No more
As I sit beside him
Laughing
No sadness
But happiness
That I can see him again and to spend time again

But old flames never die, do they?

you know what’s weird?

us.

"I’m not stupid, I know I’m not. But the sad truth is, I just suck at taking tests.”

oh how true this is.

oh how true this is.

Honest ramble. No tags. Just myself. I need a vent.

I can’t really describe what I’m feeling right now. Sad? Maybe. Angry? Probably. Disappointed? Most likely. That was a difficult dinner. And night gathering. I didn’t feel good at all. Maybe I was just tired. Or maybe my heart was wrenching too much to let me act normal. I’m tired. What the fuck am i doing honestly. He couldn’t give a shit. Look at that fb status. You liked it? Drunk as fuck. What are you doing Stepping back. Step back. Get away from him. Not worth your time anymore. Don’t text him don’t call him don’t do anything don’t message him don’t ask to see him anymore. It’s obvious where his priorities are. You need to set yourself straight girl. You need to think for yourself. Guys hate to lose. If they know or feel like theyre winning, they would not could not will not give a shit. And you just make him feel like he’s a winner. A keeper. Because you’re still here after 1 fucking year. You made the decision to break Sean’s heart for him. Now it’s time to make that same decision and get yourself out of this mess. No more boys. Just men.

how long are YOU going to wait?

you guys have a great time hanging out

but when work gets in the way, whether it be from part-time, full time, or studying

everything just disappears

like you weren’t anything special

they tell you you are special to them

but you don’t feel it at all. (isn’t that what matters?)

so you find yourself in the waiting room.

You know who are the liars and who are the real deal.

The liars are the ones who only want you around when it is convenient for them. The liars will not make an effort to keep you around because they know you’ll be there either way; or they really couldn’t care less if you walked away. The liars make you feel so happy one day but the next you get the cold shoulder. That’s because you never were appealing to them imthe first place. Work is not a valid reason, it’s an excuse. They say they can’t handle maintaining something with you while they’re studying. That’s because they don’t want you to bother them in their real life. Liars say they won’t hurt you… But they always will.

The real deals?

Good luck.

Just a joke

Who jokes about spending time with someone? There is a little truth behind every sarcastic remark.